Jaune en Juin

Wild hearts can't be broken.

Have you ever felt that when dreams feel so real, that you’re somehow connected to that person’s soul on another plane. So much so that that connection is spilling over into the physical world trying to communicate to each other.

You can’t always base your current circumstances off your past behavior.

Because you are not that person anymore.

I never felt anything for you before now because I wasn’t the same person then.

Neither were you.

It’s not Nature vs. Nurture it’s Nature AND Nurture that makes us who we are.

We will always be the same at our core, our essence, the person you were born to be

But every day, life moves forward. Not just the things that happen to us, but the way we react to them molds us into who we are today, into who we were yesterday, into who we will be tomorrow.

There is something to be said about history repeating itself, if we refuse to learn our lesson, but even that in itself is something that happens to us, something we react to, something that changes us. Just like ever day being the ‘same’ is still life moving around us.

There can be no regrets because you will never be that same person again, you are no longer that girl that missed that opportunity,

If only I had done this, if only I hadn’t done that, then maybe we could’ve been that, and we wouldn’t be this

should’ve would’ve could’ve is meaningless, because the past is history

And the future has yet to be written

This is me now

This is how I feel now
For you, now

I will not be the same tomorrow as I am today

There is no undo, but there is a restart

Tunnel vision

You may think that she’s the light at the end of your tunnel
You don’t see that I walk in the dark with you

I’m not anyone you bring home to your family
I’m just someone you visit at the end of your drunken nights
It’s ok I’ve accepted it
I don’t deserve happiness
Because I’m a terrible person
And this is karmic justice at its finest

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

Nothing but a whore

I hate her
I hate you
I hate myself

Nothing makes sense. I thought I was so sure.

The night is dark and full of terrors. But the fire burns them all away.

—Game of Thrones

Nothing like a woman after a fight.

—Game of Thrones

Sometimes the drinking won’t drown out the voices
Sometimes it makes it louder
So loud it actual spills out of your mouth

You were different, you made me feel
Secure
It’s easy to feel safe and secure by yourself,
But to get that security while being around someone else is
Something new

I never got jealous, maybe because we already had a purely platonic precedent
I remember how you’d regale me with your stories of conquests
So it makes the whole dynamic different

I’m different

That and, there’s a feeling of superiority that I get when I think about our connection
Somehow I know
I know
You’ll never connect with anyone on the same level
That may be Ego talking, but that doesn’t change that the thought is still my own
I feel confident that, even if we don’t end up where I want to end up, you’ll marinate on this

You already are

4am

Dreamt I was in some building walking in with I can’t remember who now but someone I know in the waking life, in the midst of some deep conversation about who knows what, when all of a sudden fountains everywhere inside this building started overflowing. I was rushing to get out of there for fear of the whole place flooding, but my friend told me to ‘relax, we have plenty of time to get out.’ Trying my best to relax, I slowed my pace-forcefully, awkwardly, which caused me to slip and fall flat on my ass. I got up and got the hell out of there.

Outside everyone who was evacuated was already waiting, I was the last one out somehow. A little boy with a very big, very unruly and enraged dog, was struggling to keep him on his leash next to me. My dad was there out of nowhere and told the boy ‘he wants to run, just let him go.’ The boy let go of the leash and I winced, fearing the dog would attack the crowd, myself included. But it didn’t, it ran off to play in the flooding building, ran through the surrounding desert, and shortly came back to lick the little boy in the face and play with him.

I’ve been having very vivid dreams recently.

If I could describe my life in two words it would be Terrible Timing

When something ends you eventually always end up here

The thoughts of ‘What did I do?’ Or ‘What DIDN’T I do?’

What could I have done to prevent this from happening?

You try to pinpoint the EXACT moment where it all went wrong

As if you had some magic time machine that could bring you back there and change it

But you can’t

You can’t fucking change anything

Everything has already happened

There’s no going back
No undo
No restart

Nothing

Madness

Assigning meaning to things that don’t mean anything

I spend so much time in my head I don’t see what is (or rather, ISN’T) happening right in front of me

Stuck in the past, swearing it all meant something real, something important

Stuck in the future, believing it will all mean something real, something important

Nothing matters

Be here now and pay some fucking attention

Get your head out of the clouds and out of your ass

Ego has to accept that she was wrong, wrong about everything

Darkness here and nothing more, no light to love,

And for God’s sake shut up
My mouth’s always getting me into trouble
In more ways than one

My words put pressure on everything, no fun for anyone, who wants to be around that. No one

No one needs to know what you think and how you feel, it’s none of their god damned business

Fuck
Fuck me
Fuck this

Bullshit

You’re drawn to each other like the serpent … And the apple.

—American Horror Story

She isn’t drawn to my darkness like Lila, or blind to it like Rita, and she doesn’t need it like Lumen. She accepts both sides of me, the whole Dexter. So why am I walking away from this? Because when some chemicals mix, they combust … And explode.

—Dexter

She was free in her wildness. She was a wanderess, a drop of free water. She belonged to no man and to no city.

—Roman Payne